Why Do I Feel This Way? Poetry Analysis (Undecided Heart)

Hi! Welcome back to SoniaVoyage!🌻

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Alright y’all. I wasn’t even planning to post this. Like fr, I’m actually kinda cringing while writing this because WHY am I exposing my confused lil heart to the entire internet 💀 But bruhhh whatever. Today, my heart took over the brain. No logic, no filter, just vibes. So here we are.

This poem hit different from my usual ones. Usually I stop at 3 or 4 stanzas, keep it short and mysterious, you know the drill. But this one? Sis has 5 stanzas. FIVE. And not even sorry.

Why tho? Okay lemme spill a bit.

So I was just vibin’ to this song called Multo by Cup of Joe... yes, it’s a Filipino song and YES it kinda haunts in the cutest way and suddenly my brain just snapped like, “Wait. This melody exactly matches how I feel right now.” Like when you don’t even understand your own damn heart, and people are being sweet, showing love, doing all the right things… but you? You’re just sitting there like, “Why don’t I feel anything? Why do I feel guilty for not feeling enough?”

I won’t lie, this poem is kinda personal. It’s inspired by some people who have been good to me... like really good... but I just kept doubting, questioning, wondering if I’m the problem or if it’s just not meant to click. And while writing this, I realized… maybe I’m just too used to confusion, or maybe I’m lowkey greedy. Either way, this piece came out raw and real.

So if you’ve ever felt that confusing wtf-is-wrong-with-me kinda love, welcome. Let’s overthink together 💔

Undecided Heart

by Uni Sonia Yulianti

The way you gaze into my eyes, I feel a pull I can't deny

Your every act, a hero’s guise, always near, always nigh

In moments shared, both joy and sigh, you stand with me, not shy

But still I wonder, could you be the one I truly rely?

I barely know you, yet your mind speaks volumes, clear and bright

Your heart’s intent, so pure, so right, a beacon in the darkest night

Yet each time I turn from light, I question what I might

Why does your love feel far from tight? Why does it fail to ignite?

You strive so hard, so true, so kind, though distant we remain

I remember how your eyes aligned, filled with love, without refrain

Your promises are soft and fine, and yet I feel the strain

Is this the love I seek to find? Or just a bond too vain?

What kind of love do I truly need? What is it that I crave?

I search for meaning, a heart to save, but all seems gray and brave

The one I dream, the soul to pave, remains beyond the wave

I fear to be the thorn they bleed, the weight they’ll always brave

I’m trapped within this world of greed, with fears I cannot speak

The love I crave, the love I plead, feels distant, pale, and weak

Though hands reach out and hearts still beat, my path remains oblique

And I, with all my silent need, become the one who makes them bleed

POEM ANALYSIS

The way you gaze into my eyes, I feel a pull I can't deny
Your every act, a hero’s guise, always near, always nigh
In moments shared, both joy and sigh, you stand with me, not shy
But still I wonder, could you be the one I truly rely?

This stanza was written with someone in mind who always made me feel safe. I don’t even know how or when I started noticing him, but his presence started becoming part of my daily rhythm. He’s the kind of person who, even in silence, feels like warmth. He is consistent, supportive, and never once hesitated to show up. His actions speak louder than his words. He has this quiet strength, the type of guy who never makes me question whether I matter. And that pull I mentioned? It’s the pull of feeling special, of feeling chosen, of feeling seen by someone who expects nothing in return.

But here’s the part that breaks me. Even with all that goodness, I start to doubt. I start to wonder: Can I truly lean on him? Can I trust him not just with my time, but with my heart? He’s everything a good man is supposed to be. But I’m unsure. Not because he lacks anything, but because something in me hesitates. The contradiction is painful. How can I be drawn to him so strongly, yet not feel completely certain?

The phrase "gaze into my eyes" already signals that there's a deep connection, a kind of emotional pull I feel but not necessarily love. "A pull I can't deny" shows that I'm moved, affected, but not fully convinced.

“A hero’s guise” is so powerful. It paints him as someone who steps in like a savior, maybe always giving, always appearing in my moments of need. But calling it a "guise" might hint at doubt: is he being a hero for me, or for himself? Is it real, or is it just what he wants to be seen as?

"Both joy and sigh" shows that he's been with me through emotional highs and lows. He’s consistent, even comforting. Yet the line “could this be the one I truly rely” ends the stanza on a questioning note, showing that despite everything he gives, I still feel unsure. That uncertainty cuts deep... like, can I really depend on someone if my heart hasn’t said “yes”?

I barely know you, yet your mind speaks volumes, clear and bright
Your heart’s intent, so pure, so right, a beacon in the darkest night
Yet each time I turn from light, I question what I might
Why does your love feel far from tight? Why does it fail to ignite?

This is about someone newer in my life. Someone I haven’t spent much time with, yet I feel a str0ng emotional connection through the way he communicates. He’s thoughtful, articulate, and sincere. I can see the goodness in his heart even though we haven’t shared a long journey. His presence is like a flashlight in a dark tunnel. He offers comfort, attention, softness. He gives me the kind of affection that feels clean and genuine.

But here’s the painful truth: I don’t feel the fire. I don’t feel the spark. It’s like my heart wants to respond, wants to light up in return, but it just doesn’t. I keep turning away. And then I feel guilty. I question myself, not him. I start wondering if I’m broken, if I’m ungrateful, or if I just expect too much. His love feels sincere, but my heart does not answer. It feels like I’m holding something precious in my hands, but I can’t protect it the way I should.

The line “I barely know you” suggests this guy might be newer in my life. But “your mind speaks volumes” shows that I'm impressed by how he thinks, how he expresses himself. His logic, purpose, or plans might feel admirable.

“A beacon in the darkest night” is such a lovely metaphor. It means he’s maybe the most reliable in offering stability or long-term vision. Yet despite that, the next line “I turn away from light” shows a kind of self-sabotage or deep inner doubt. I see his worth, but my heart won’t connect.

Then the hard-hitting question: “Why does your love feel far from tight?” I'm not feeling bound, I'm not feeling held... emotionally. And “fail to ignite” confirms the issue: there’s no spark, no fire, even if everything else is technically “right.”

You strive so hard, so true, so kind, though distant we remain

I remember how your eyes aligned, filled with love, without refrain

Your promises are soft and fine, and yet I feel the strain

Is this the love I seek to find? Or just a bond too vain?

This one, I was going through a rough patch in my life when I met him. Even though distance and time kept us apart, we still manage to stay connected. I don’t reach out to him as much as I should, but I know he’s been working so hard for me. He’s been keeping his promises, proving his dedication through actions. I still remember how his eyes looked at me. Full of admiration, hope, and certainty. It felt like he was certain of what we could be. He made promises, not in grand, dramatic ways, but in the quiet, sincere way he spoke to me and treated me. I believed him. I wanted to believe in what we could have. There was tenderness in every gesture, and for a while, it felt real.

But here’s where things get complicated. Even with all his efforts and sincerity, I can’t help but wonder if what I’m feeling is truly love, or if it’s just my need for certainty. I find myself questioning if I’m holding onto this connection because it gives me comfort, or if it’s because I’m craving stability. There’s a part of me that’s unsure whether this is really love, or just the desire to have something secure in my life. I appreciate everything he’s done and the way he makes me feel, but I’m still left wondering if I’m truly feeling love or just the need for reassurance.

“Though distant we remain” gives the setting of emotional distance. But his effort still exists. "you strive so hard, so true, so kind” which suggests maybe I saw the best parts of love in him before. Maybe it was once strong, and the memory still warms my heart.

The line “your eyes aligned, filled with love” is such a core memory. The way he looked at me, I still remember it. That gaze made me feel loved, even if he doesn’t say it now. Even if he barely reaches out, his sincerity is imprinted.

But “I feel the strain” reveals the emotional weight it costs me. I'm holding onto something that no longer grows. It leads to that painful question: “Is this the love I seek to find?” Is it the idea of love... not the reality?

What kind of love do I truly need? What is it that I crave?

I search for meaning, a heart to save, but all seems gray and brave

The one I dream, the soul to pave, remains beyond the wave

I fear to be the thorn they bleed, the weight they’ll always brave

Now I shift from thinking about them to thinking about myself. This is where I collapse inward. I’ve seen all kinds of love, all kinds of kindness, and still I find myself confused. What kind of love do I actually need? I’ve had people who cared, people who tried. Yet here I am, still searching. The kind of love I dream of... the one that fills every crack in my chest... it always feels too far away. Like a mirage I can’t reach.

And worst of all, I start to feel like the villain. Like I’m the one causing pain just by existing. I don’t mean to hurt anyone, but I know that my indecision, my silence, my emotional hesitation, they all hurt the people who love me. I don’t want to be the thorn. I don’t want to be the reason someone questions their worth.

This is the turning point of the poem, where I stop looking outward and begin to look inward. These aren’t questions about them anymore, these are questions about me.

“What love do I truly need?” is not just about choosing between those. It’s about trying to understand my own heart, my identity in love. I'm seeking clarity in a world full of emotions that don’t match logic.

The line “all seems gray and brave” is so poetic, it suggests that everything is unclear (gray), but also full of attempts, courage, and strong feelings (brave). The one I want to walk life with... “the soul to pave”... still feels unreachable.

Then I admit my biggest fear: “I don’t want to be the thorn”. I don’t want to be the one who breaks hearts, who misleads others, who causes pain even unintentionally. That final line “the one who’s frail” shows how lost and vulnerable I really feel under all of this.

I’m trapped within this world of greed, with fears I cannot speak

The love I crave, the love I plead, feels distant, pale, and weak

Though hands reach out and hearts still beat, my path remains oblique

And I, with all my silent need, become the one who makes them bleed

I feel lost in a world where love is offered to me, but none of it feels like home. There’s a kind of greed in me, not material greed, but emotional. I want a love that’s perfect, that meets all my longing, that completes me. But I know that such perfection may not exist. I carry fears I don’t dare speak out loud. I’m afraid of choosing wrong. I’m afraid of hurting kind people. I’m afraid of never finding someone who sets my soul on fire.

There are people who still care. But I keep walking crooked, avoiding them, pulling away. Not because I don’t appreciate them, but because I can’t offer something real in return. And in that silence, in that emotional distance, I become someone who bleeds them slowly. Even when I try not to. I hate this side of myself tho...

This is the emotional climax. I'm exhausted by the weight of these feelings. I return to the question from stanza 4... almost pleading with yourself. What do I even want?

The line “this world of greed” reflect the guilt I carry. I feel like my heart is asking too much, wanting more than what any of them offer. Maybe you fear that your indecision is a form of selfishness. Maybe I fear being greedy emotionally, even if all I want is the right love.

“The love I crave... far beyond my reach” shows a feeling of hopelessness. I don’t see a clear path to what I want. I feel stuck between hurting others or hurting myself. And that last line, “I don’t want to be the one who makes you bleed” is a gentle, tragic confession. I’d rather suffer alone than break the heart of someone who loves me.

Art by my friend, Kelly

So… that’s Undecided Heart.

To be honest, I’m not even sure if this poem makes sense to anyone but me. It came out of nowhere... probably because I listened to Multo by Cup of Joe a little too many times and my heart just… spiraled. I didn’t really plan to post something this personal. A part of me feels a bit awkward sharing it here, but I guess today my heart won over my logic (it does that a lot).

This poem isn’t like the others I’ve written. It’s longer, deeper, and messier. But that’s okay. Because love, confusion, and the space in between? They’re messy too. And if you’ve ever felt torn between someone’s kindness and your own doubts, maybe this speaks to you a little.

Thanks for being here, and for letting me share a part of what I’m still figuring out.

With all the chaos and clarity,
Uni Sonia ❤